


dad burn!

by snowhoe



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Just friends being friends, M/M, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, and more than friends eye emoji, but like u kno, eh just a lil, groupchat fic!!!, i was going to put coran in here and name him corange but he’s like old n shit, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24552046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowhoe/pseuds/snowhoe
Summary: LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1: I don’t think Keith would mind getting eatenfood God: was that- allura was-Child: MDNSJSKA SEX JOKEsomething sciencey: ABOUT KEITHfood God: FROM ALLURA!!
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Allura/Romelle (Voltron), Hunk/Shay (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Kudos: 87





	dad burn!

**Author's Note:**

> in which I over indulge in terrible texting habits, klance, pidge being a snarky fuck, allura having my puns (it takes a bit to get to Peak Allura Comedy), shiro being done with their shit, hunk taking and giving privileges, and adam just being weeb adam (you’ll get that later).
> 
> sorry if the names get confusing, that’s just my favorite part of doing this whole thing, so everytime there’s a different type of chat (the main one, or side ones where it’s just pidge, hunk, and lance for example) I have them have different names. I don’t think it’s too hard to follow along with, but,,, 
> 
> beginning names, though they do change a Bit:  
> keith: grinch  
> shiro: father  
> allura: mother  
> pidge: something sciencey  
> hunk: food God  
> lance: asswipe
> 
> fyi, lance, keith, hunk, pidge (bc they r smart), and shay are juniors. and then shiro, adam, allura, lotor, romelle, and matt are seniors :)
> 
> this is pure goblin abandoned pizza hut noises

**_the pala-sluTs_ **

_tuesday 3:43 pm_

**something sciencey:** do i even want to know what you guys made on that test????

**asswipe:** no!!! no you do not!!!

**asswipe:** wait

**asswipe** : why is my name asswipe 

**asswipe:** gODDAMNIT KEITH

_asswipe changed to LOVELY HUMAN BEING by asswipe_

**grinch:** I didn’t do anything, fingers crossed

**father:** No fighting or I’ll kill you both.

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** cause that makes sense

**something sciencey:** back to the topic,, test, go!

**food God:** 92

**something sciencey:** that’s————wow good job hunk, maybe there is hope after all

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** HOW HOW HOW HOW

**grinch:** 97 suck on that

**food God:** and what do you mean by that pidge

**something sciencey:** 98 Suck. on. THAT.

**mother:** Didn’t take the test :/

**father:** Yeah same.

**something sciencey:** yes we know you two are cool smart seniors who pity us youngsters 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** i want to cry i got a 76

**food God:** that’s still good!

**grinch:** if you wanna die a life of being average 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** geez we get it keith you’re sad and like to bring others down with you

**something sciencey:** oKay cool your Jets everybody,,, lance why don’t you just like get someone to help you?

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** oh great thought you’d never ask pidge yes please teach me the ways of ~science~

**something sciencey:** don’t know how you got ‘pidge’ out of ‘somebody’ 

**food God:** ooooooooooo I’ve got an ideaaarrrrr

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** pretty please pidge you’re the smartest one here

**something sciencey:** you know i hate that word

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** my bad, spunky please!!!!

**something sciencey:** hA no, I’m a busy body

**father:** What’s your idea, Hunk? Replace Lance’s brain with someone else’s?

**grinch:** dad burn!

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** how do i disown myself from here im clearly not wanted 

**mother:** Of course you’re wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**mother:** We just want you to improve and grow!!!!!!!!!!!!

_mother changed to LOVELY HUMAN BEING 2 by LOVELY HUMAN BEING_

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 2:** Oh please I was birthed before you Lance

_LOVELY HUMAN BEING 2 changed to LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1 by LOVELY HUMAN BEING 2_

_LOVELY HUMAN BEING changed to Child by LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1_

**grinch:** and the truth comes out

**grinch:** lance is secretly a baby in a teen flesh suit

**Child:** i will leave

**father:** Hunk what is your idea? Keith Lance shut up 

**food God:** how about keith helps lance. i mean if keith is so bothered about lance having a low grade then he should just help. win win

**Child:** “win win” he says, it totally not being a win win

**grinch:** no

**something sciencey:** yes

**Child:** no

**food God:** yEs

**grinch:** nO

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** yes :D

**Child:** NOOOOOOOOO

**father:** yes.

**something sciencey:** oh shit he used the lowercase period tactic run y’all we aren’t safe you better listen keith and help lance 

**grinch:** that was not at all grammatically correct

_something sciencey removed grinch from the pala-sluTs_

**Child:** peace and quiet!!

_father added grinch to the pala-sluTs_

**Child:** arerggghhh

**grinch:** did not appreciate that

**something sciencey:** eat or get eaten you fuck

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** I don’t think Keith would mind getting eaten

**food God:** was that- allura was- 

**Child:** MDNSJSKA SEX JOKE

**something sciencey:** ABOUT KEITH

**food God:** FROM ALLURA!!

**grinch:** stfu

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** It was just a mere observation 

**Child:** a mere observation that probably has keith blushing furiously and being a little bitch about it

**father:** He is. It’s adorable and scary at the same time

**father:** _[insert images of keith]_

**something sciencey:** KEITH OH MY GOF I CANT BELIVE I EVER CALLED YOU EDGELORD YOUR EDGES ARE ABOUT AS SHARP AS LANCES NAILS AND HE FILES OBSESSIVELY SO

**food God:** kinda wanna hug ngl

**grinch:** shiro I’m going to throw you under an actual bus now

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Keith you’re so cute !

_grinch changed to babie by Child_

**food God:** so is that lance admitting that keith is cute 

**something sciencey:** it totally is

**babie:** wOt-

_babie changed to chickfila employee by Child_

**chickfila employee:** well

**father:** Can everybody be nice for five seconds?

**chickfila employee:** rOood

**chickfila employee:** that was for lance you’re an angel shiro 

**Child:** *cough* buttering him up *cough*

**chickfila employee:** it’s just fact. hate the game not the player 

**something sciencey:** okay but actually. keith r u going to help lance???? boy needs it

**Child:** i prefer the term God 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** God of nothing 

**chickfila employee:** mother burn!!!!!!!

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Why do you guys call me that????

**father:** I’ve learned to just accept it.

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Yes, but. No.

**something sciencey:** you guys are our parent figures. i mean that in a totally two-people-who-aren't-romantically-involved-but-still-put-up-with-weird-kids kind of way you know 

**food God:** how long did that take to type?

**something sciencey:** too long, my next of kin

**chickfila employee:** also,, lance do you want my help??

**Child:** want? no. need? probably 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Aw look they’re bonding 

**food God:** miracles really do happen

**chickfila employee:** okay, guess I’ll help 

**food God:** wipes tears

**Child:** did you forget the asterisks?

**food God:** no i said it

**father:** Keith, why are you doing that weird thing with your face where you try not to smile?

**chickfila employee:** et tu, brute?

**Child:** and people say I’m the drama queen

**food God:** WAIT IS KEITH SMILING OVER HELPING LANCE?????

**Child:** well, I am a queen so it’s halfway right 

**Child:** plus my family just has a flair for the dramatic, so it was bound————

**Child:** WAIT

**chickfila employee:** maybe i should murder shiro 

**chickfila employee:** maybe i should murder all of you

**something sciencey:** nah you won’t murder lance you’re too smitten over him

**Child:** iejsnaklslwkdndmwkakdnfnekakkdfnjekskskddn jskskskskdnenndndnememememdmekekekdkosoanfndjsowndndjskaksldnwkalldfkel 

**Child:** k

**father:** I’m not allowed to mention the physical state of Keith anymore, but just know that it’s worth mentioning if I could. 

**something sciencey:** thank u soldier you’ve done your best 

**food God:** honestly this groupchat exists to make fun of keith and lance and I’m kinda here for it

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Me too :) it’s very fun

**chickfila employee:** yeah sure so fun

**Child:** very extremely fun

**something sciencey:** ANOTHER bonding moment what a sight to behold 

**Child:** this is—- i do not welcome meanness in my life goodbye everybody i will talk to you when you decide to not be mean

_Child is inactive_

**something sciencey:** survival of the fittest my dudes 

**food God:** lance @ his wedding: does anyone have anything mean to say?

us: *says something mean*

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** amazing reference hunk ily for that 

**food God:** bows 

**something sciencey:** what about bows? like on presents?

**food God:** no not tha-

**food God:** you know what

**food God:** I’m removing brownie privileges

**food God:** from ALL of you

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** OKAY THAT ISNT FAIR HUNK THATS SO RUDE OF YOU I DID NOTHING I WANTED BROWNIES SO RUDE I DONT LOVE YOU

**father:** Shit

**something sciencey:** ay watch your fucking language 

**food God:** gasps

**food God:** brownie privileges added back I’m sorry 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** It’s okay I forgive you :D  
  


**_mullet_ **

_tuesday 5:23 pm_

**mullet:** hey, when/where did you want to study or whatever it is we’re doing?

**lance:** uh, my house? saturday? two?

**mullet:** works for me

**lance:** great! but seriously! i’m done! too much meanness!

**mullet:** maybe you should

**mullet:** nevermind 

**lance:** okay????? night weirdo 

**mullet:** night 

**_the pala-sluTs_ **

_thursday 7:34 pm_

**food God:** shut Up i want to get my point across 

**Child:** you are aware that no one was really talking 

**food God:** /you are aware that nobody was talking/ yes shut up lance nobody asked 

**chickfila employee:** i see that you’ve joined the “lance stfu club” we appreciate your membership it comes with a free shirt

**something sciencey:** ohmygosh can i join!

**chickfila employee:** you must say it

**something sciencey:** lance stfu

**Child:** wha-

**chickfila employee:** congratulations!!!!! you’re officially a member 

**father:** Lance stfu 

**chickfila employee:** oooooohhhh sorry, we don’t except traitors and people over the age of a thousand 

**father:** But I’m not—

**chickfila employee:** your brain is like a thousand years old so stfu 

**Child:** you know, I’m gonna go again 

**food God:** NO I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!!!

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Go ahead, Hunkadoodle

**food God:** okay, so:

_food God changed to Hunkadoodle by something sciencey_

**Hunkadoodle:** oh my creme brulee

**Child:** he’s bringing out the big swear words now

**chickfila employee:** it’s a dessert 

**Child:** i know that keith let hunk talk or istg I’m gonna hit you with a pan

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** You're gonna hit him with me?

**Child:** precisely 

**something sciencey:** ndbdnskskalsmsnskls

**Hunkadoodle:** let me talk! 

**Hunkadoodle:** I’m gonna ask shay out!!!!!! !!

**something sciencey:** WAHT NOW

**Child:** oh Jesus Heaven Thank You Taylor Swift i knew you’d make this happen

**something sciencey:** HUNKADOODLE IM SO PROUD 

**father:** I am too. Wait is this what parents feel like?

**father:** Oh

**father:** oH no.

**chickfila employee:** how do you plan on doing this? 

**something sciencey:** translation: give us the deets 

**Hunkadoodle:** well,, I was uh planning on making her lemon cupcakes cause they’re her favorite and asking her to prom 

**Child:** is there a cute sign involved??????????

**Hunkadoodle:** should there be???????

**Child:** uM YES

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** I second that. Signs are great

**Hunkadoodle:** what should it say? 

**something sciencey:** this is not my area of expertise so i will be sitting out on this one

**Child:** oH but this is my area of expertise 

**chickfila employee:** yEa right i bet you’re not even gonna ask anybody to prom 

**chickfila employee:** nonetheless make a sign for them

**Hunkadoodle:** keith Shut Up i am in the middle of a crisis and u are not helping 

**chickfila employee:** apologies, oh kind one

**Child:** how about: Will you be the lemon to my lime at prom? and you can make like lime cupcakes (is that a thing?) and u guys will be superb zest

**Hunkadoodle:** i could make key-lime cupcakes!

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** and then give the leftovers to me!

**chickfila employee:** and me!

**Hunkadoodle:** sorry keith you lost cupcake privileges 

**chickfila employee:** rolls eyes 

**Hunkadoodle:** THATS MY RNFING

**chickfila employee:** but i want my cupcake 

**something sciencey:** rnfing 

**Child:** rnfing

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** rnfing

**chickfila employee:** rnfing 

**father:** rnfing 

**Hunkadoodle:** oH Shush

**Hunkadoodle:** does anyone have any better sign ideas?

**Child:** no bc mine was amazing

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** bring flowers!!!!!!! 

**Child:** stream afterglow by taylor swift for amazing skin

**chickfila employee:** what does that have to do with anything?

**Child:** it doesn’t. jus thot u should kno

**father:** Okay was that even English?

**something sciencey:** yes

**chickfila employee:** no

**something sciencey:** it’s the way of the young people minus keith. u learn to txt like a cool person

**father:** Kind of proud to not be a cool person right now.

**Child:** oh we know 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Am I cool?

**something sciencey:** well, the rules state you arent. but cmon u totally are 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** YAY

**food God:** do you think she’ll say yes?

**Child:** hunk

**something sciencey:** YES

**Child:** my buddy 

**Child:** my man

**chickfila employee:** as much as I’d love being sadistic, I can’t. she’s gonna say yes

**Child:** OF COHEISE SHELL SAY YES ITS OBVIOUS

**something sciencey:** coheise

**Hunkadoodle:** coheise

**chickfila employee:** coheise

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** coheise

**Child:** coheise 

**father:** If she has a brain, Hunk, she’ll say yes.

**something sciencey:** hey it’s no fun if lance joins in

**Child:** that’s why i did it mwahahahahahahhaha

**Hunkadoodle:** evil lance is so cute!!!

**Hunkadoodle:** and thank you everybody

**Child:** SHUT UP

**_the pala-sluTs_ **

_friday 6:45 pm_

**Child:** okay so you wanna know what i think

**chickfila employee:** no

**Child:** taylor swift is a revolutionary 

**something sciencey:** oh jesus fuck mary here we go

**Hunkadoodle:** jesus fuck his mother?!???

**something sciencey:** he’d rather do that then listen to lance drool over taylor swift AGAIN

**Child:** she’s just- ugh she’s perfect. her lyrics are immaculate, she’s hot, the production on her songs is just wowowow, her vocals >>>>, she’s a genuinely amazing person, she supports lgbtq+ and has openly advocated for it, her songs are BANGERS, her music videos are perfectly crafted, her boyfriend’s hot

**chickfila employee:** oh god

**Child:** how could you not love her??????

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** love-her

**Child:** OH MY GOD MARRY ME ALLURA THAT PUN WAS AMAZING 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** I decline sorry but not really

**chickfila employee:** r-e j-e c-t-e-d rejected!

**Child:** did you just quote zoey 101 @ me???

**chickfila employee:** that’s a secret I’ll nEvEr tELL

**something sciencey:** get a room

**father:** But don't do anything too roudy! You don’t want to end up on a reality show because you’re sixteen and pregnant.

**Child:** we’re-

**chickfila employee:** not-

**Child:** even-

**chickfila employee:** straight-

**Child:** father your logistics are off

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** And you spelt rowdy wrong. Kinda concerned for your mental health Shiro

**father:** Having four kids’ll do that to ya.

**Child:** so he admits it! we’re his kids! 

**Hunkadoodle:** straight outa his womb

**chickfila employee:** gay outa his wom

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** pan outa his womb

**something sciencey:** nb aro/ace outa his womb

**Child:** bi outa his womb

**Child:** allura you’re our mother he didn’t birth you

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** That’s what you think

**something sciencey:** irjrnskalslalejdkalq allura care to elaborate 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** no

**Hunkadoodle:** also are we not going to comment about how we all just let keith start that

**Child:** i was surprised to see keith be funny yes

**father:** Me too.

**father:** Keith just said under his breath “I’m gonna kill him” so maybe watch out, Lance. 

**Child:** he makes that threat every three seconds I’m pretty sure if he was gonna go through with it he would’ve already 

**something sciencey:** he’s got a point

**Hunkadoodle:** -er finger. yes pidge I’m pretty sure lance has a pointer finger was that even up for discussion?

**something sciencey:** i h8 u

**Child:** oh my god I’m gonna play lover by taylor swift at my wedding guys and pidge watch out

**something sciencey:** shocker 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Am I included in the “guys” category? 

**Child:** yes you are one of the dudebros

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Oh sweet! I’ve always wanted to be a dudebro 

**Hunkadoodle:** i, duddest of the bros, dub thee, allura, to be an official dudebro 

**chickfila employee:** why are you duddest of the bros?

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Yay oh my god thank you for this opportunity. I won’t let you down

**Child:** obvs bc he’s straight. straight people are just,,, Like That

**Hunkadoodle:** we know you won’t allura

**chickfila employee:** maybe I wanted to be duddest of the bros 

**something sciencey:** that’s funnhie

**Child:** reeeeeaaaallllll hilarious 

**chickfila employee:** WHAT WHY

**father:** I mean no offense to this, Keith, but you are like the least dudebro of us all.

**something sciencey:** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

**Child:** dad roast! 

**chickfila employee:** ugh this is homophobic 

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** He’s????? Gay??????

**chickfila employee:** doesn’t matter don’t care

**Hunkadoodle:** i think it kinda does matter but carry on

**Child:** MY WAYWARD SOOOOOON

**something sciencey:** are you referencing the song or the book you never know where lance’s brain is at

**Child:** both *finger guns*

**chickfila employee:** ugh 

**something sciencey:** ugh 

**father:** Ugh

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Lance are you listening to taylor swift while you text us?

**Child:** yes! thank you for bringing her up again! 

**chickfila employee:** christ allura why

**Child:** SHES SO AMAZING HER LITTLE LAUGHS IN I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED ARE SO ADORABLE ISBSNAKAKLDFKNEKWLWLELEKWKENEK

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** I think you forget that I’m also a swiftie, Keith 

**something sciencey:** mkay i gotta go gremlin 1 is saying something about dinner and gremlin 2 is hungry

_something sciencey is inactive_

**chickfila employee:** yeah I’m leaving too 

**chickfila employee:** i just don’t want to be here that’s my only reason

_chickfila employee is inactive_

**Hunkadoodle:** and I’ve gotta search the cookbooks for key lime cupcake recipies AND THEN I’ve got to make actually good ones

**Child:** we believe in you!

**Hunkadoodle:** thanks bro! byeeeee

_Hunkadoodle is inactive_

**father:** Everybody else left, so...I’m gonna go to Adam’s :) Peace out.

_father is inactive_

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Now that we’ve weeded out the bitches, Lance what’s your favorite song on Lover?

**_BESTIE_ **

_saturday 11:34 am_

**BESTIE:** is keith still coming over today??????????

**lance:** yea?????????????

**lance:** #dread

**BESTIE:** #secretlysuperexcited

**lance:** i know how to pop eyeballs out

**BESTIE:** I’m not scared of u

**lance:** u should b

**BESTIE:** lol that’s funny

**lance:** ur face is funny

**_mullet_ **

_saturday 2:12 pm_

**mullet:** shiro’s dropping me off

**lance:** mmmmkkkAy

**mullet:** be there in five minutes 

Lance’s heart raced. He was pacing near the front door, waiting for Keith to come. It wasn’t that he was eager for Keith to be there, he just didn’t want any of his siblings opening the door. That was it.

Speaking of the devils. “Got a hot date?” Rachel, his twin, said. 

“You know very well that Keith is coming over,” he replied, crossing his arms.

“Same difference.” 

Before Lance could say a wickedly smart comeback, she turned around and left. _Unfair,_ Lance thought. He was going to get her back later. He wasn’t exactly sure how yet, but Lance was sure he’d think of something. Maybe he could—

The doorbell rang. 

What did Pidge say? Oh, right. _Jesus fuck Mary._ Taking a deep breath, he opened the door. 

Keith stood there, hair a gorgeous mop as usual. He wore his usual black skinny jeans with rips at the knees and red shirt, but was also sporting a leather jacket that Lance had seen only twice before. Suddenly, Lance felt very underdressed in his grey shirt and blue workout shorts. At least they had stripes.

“Hey,” he said, stepping out of the doorframe to let Keith in, “let’s go upstairs.”

Rachel must’ve been eavesdropping from the hallway, because she called out, “Leave the door open!”

“Shut up, Rachel!” He turned back to Keith. “Uh...follow me,” he said, walking towards the stairs. If Keith wasn’t following, then he would get bombarded by annoying siblings, so Lance wasn’t really concerned if he was following or not. Either way, Lance would win.

“Your house is very lively,” Keith commented. Looking back, Lance saw his brows furrowed. Lance gave Keith a glare, about to say something, but Keith beat him. “Not that it’s a bad thing! I’m just not used to it.”

Lance wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he kept his mouth shut. They reached the top of the stairs and entered Lance’s room. He made sure to clean it, _thank god,_ but it was still very cluttered. He liked to hold onto things, sue him.

Keith snorted somewhere behind him. “Don’t know why this is exactly what I pictured your room to look like.” 

There was a bunk-bed in the right corner, his sister being the bottom bunk. Luckily, they both had similar interests, so the room didn’t feel like two people living in it. On the other side, there was a desk covered in books and knick-knacks (like Lance’s mug that said “Don’t Talk To Me Until I’ve Eaten Thus Mug”), movie posters hanging above the desk and all around the room. And then there was a blue rug, centered, that made everything pop.

The room was also covered in stars.

“We can sit on the rug,” Lance said, ignoring Keith. His room was a safe space for him and he wasn’t about to let Keith ruin it.

Lance sat on the rug and Keith, apprehensively, joined. He said, “Let’s get started then.”

**_Coran’s Last Three Braincells_ **

_saturday 4:09 pm_

**avocadoToast:** KEITH IS SO CUTE WHEN HE FOCUSES AND LIKE HES SURPRISINGLY GENTLE WHEN HE EXPLAINS THINGS AND UNUSUALLY PATIENT THIS IS SO !!.?!!??!!

**briancell -1:** did he leave?????

**bigarms:** wowzers u got it baaaad 

**bigarms:** luckily keith has it baaaad too

**avocadoToast:** NO HES IN THE BATHROOM

**avocadoToast:** WERE DONE STUDYING THO

**avocadoToast:** WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN KEITH HAS IT BAAAAD HUNK????

**briancell -1:** nothing. he means nothing by it

**bigarms:** yep nothing

**avocadoToast:** HES BACK BUT YOURE TELLING ME LATER

_avocadoToast is inactive_

**bigarms:** think he’ll survive?

**briancell -1:** no telling

**briancell -1:** anyways, wanna play some hide n seek on minecraft?????

**bigarms:** guess I’ll take a little break. but u arent my top priority 

**briancell -1:** yes, i know your precious little shaycakes are 

**bigarms:** SHAYCAKES-

Keith came back in and sat at the desk chair. “Shiro decided to go to Adam’s for, like, the second day in a row, so he won’t be able to pick me up til at least six.”

Lance looked at the time on his phone. 4:13. “Well, we could watch a movie downstairs? Can’t promise that we’ll be left alone, though. Or that we’ll get to pick the movie.”

Recently, Veronica had been invested in watching every single Disney animation movie. Not that Lance wasn’t invested in it either, because he was, just not to the intensity Veronica was. 

“Sure.” 

They went back downstairs, and the noise of Lance’s family filled their ears. To Lance, it was a natural noise; to Keith, it was an unusual, but not unwelcome noise. 

His family was spread out between the kitchen and the living room: his mother and father in the kitchen, along with Rachel who was tossing pizza dough; Marco and Luis were doing a puzzle with Sylvio and Marco; then Lisa was browsing the channels on tv, probably looking for a sit-com; and Veronica was draped across the couch saying, “Zombies 2!”

“Hello, Keith,” his mother said once they got in frame, “Lance has said a lot about you, are you staying for dinner?”

Keith looked to Lance. “I’m, uh, not sure.”

“His brother’s picking him up at six,” Lance said. Keith’s antisocialness wasn’t going to get him far with Lance’s family

“Oh, well, you’re welcome to stay if you’d like.”

Smiling, Keith said, “Thank you.”

As they walked to the living room, Lance said in Keith’s ear, “Every Saturday we have pizza night. It’s the one night we’re really allowed to binge on carbs.” He smiled. “You should stay.”

“Yeah?” If Lance paid attention, he would see the slight blush on Keith’s face. He was paying attention.

“Yeah.” 

“Hey, no, we are not watching _Say Yes to the Dress_ , we just aren’t. That’s, like, a crime. Think of the children!”

“If by children, you mean you, then no,” Lisa replied.

“Gotta agree, Liz, Zombies 2 is much more enjoyable.” Lance took his seat next to Veronica, pushing her legs aside, and motioned for Keith to come sit next to him. 

“Fresh meat, nice,” Veronica said. She extended her hand to Keith, and he returned the gesture. Lance froze for a second, knowing what she was about to do. The next second, Keith was halfway across his lap, being pulled by Veronica. “I’m Veronica,” she smirked.

Keith’s hand clutched Lance’s thigh. “Keith.”

She dropped his hand. “Alright, Keith, wanna watch Zombies 2?”

Keith, however, barely paid attention to the question. He was frozen, resting on top of Lance. When he seemed to realize—or care—that he was on Lance, he sprung up and said a quiet, “Sure.”

“Sweet! We win, give me the remote.” Veronica snatched the remote out of Lisa’s hand, and Lisa got up, mumbling, “Kids…”

Lance had to admit, sitting next to Keith, his family tucked all around them, watching a movie with barely okay dance numbers and songs, was pretty fun. 

The best part, though, was when Rachel joined and said, “Everybody in this movie is a lesbian.”

And then Keith snorted. Lance was very far gone.

“What about the guys?” Luis asked.

“Big lesbian energy.”

**_the pala-sluTs_ **

_saturday 5:18 pm_

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** What do you think they’re doing?

**Hunkadoodle:** making out?

**something sciencey:** pining from a distance?

**father:** Controlling their hormones? 

**something sciencey:** oh don’t worry dad you won’t be a grandpa anytime soon 

**father:** Whatever, I’m gonna go back to Adam.

_father is inactive_

**something sciencey:** oooh maybe we’ll get a sibling!

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** What shall we name this kiddo?

**Hunkadoodle:** Alfred Henry James Cornwallace Sigfried Hampton II

**something sciencey:** i 

**something sciencey:** i luv

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING:** What if they’re not a boy?

**Hunkadoodle:** well we could go gender neutral and say alfredo like the sauce 

**something sciencey:** omg spaghetti baby

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** sauce sauce yum yum

**Hunkadoodle:** wtf

**something sciencey:** wtf

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** SAUCE SAUCE YUM YUM

_father is active_

**father:** wat da fuck is happenin 

**something sciencey:** who tf r u

**father:** adam 

**Hunkadoodle:** aH makes sense now

**father:** how is everybody ????

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Gay

**father:** nice give me five

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Here you go, ~5~

**something sciencey:** ugh

**Hunkadoodle:** lol

_father is inactive_

**something sciencey:** think they’re making out too?

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** Did my pun make them horny?

**Hunkadoodle:** EW ALLURA STOP

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** SAUCE SAUCE YUM YUM

**something sciencey:** *yummy by justin boobie plays*

_Hunkadoodle is inactive_

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** HA

**something sciencey:** WE MAKE SUCH A GREAT TEAM ALLURA

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** WE SHOULD COMBINE CELLS

**something sciencey:** FUUUUUUHK YES

“So, Keith, what do you find most interesting about our Lance?”

Keith was mid-pizza bite and now had everyone’s eyes on him. Well, not Lance’s. Lance was glaring at his mother for asking that. It wasn’t like Keith was someone Lance was bringing home to meet the parents. 

Lance was about to say something along the lines of _“you don’t have to answer that” when_ Keith said, “I like the way he makes the people around him feel. And the way he makes me—uh, yeah. Uh. Yeah.”

No doubt in his mind, Lance was blushing. Keith was blushing. His family seemed extremely amused by it. 

Veronica, who was sitting on his other side, thankfully, saved Keith. “Don’t worry, Keith. None of us know what to say about Lance either. He is another entity.”

“Hey!” Lance said as he reached around Keith to slap Veronica on the back of the head. She snickered as Lance looked at Keith. He looked like he wanted to die. 

**_Coran’s Last Three Braincells_ **

_saturday 9:25 pm_

**briancell -1:** yo dude it’s nine oclock speak to us. we r your fam from another dam 

**bigarms:** not sure what that means! but yeah where are you lance! are you 2 still making out!

**briancell -1:** oh my god they are

_avocadoToast is active_

**avocadoToast:** oh my god we aren’t 

**avocadoToast:** he left like two hours ago

**avocadoToast:** but he stayed for dinner

**bigarms:** he got to go to pizza night???? i want to go to pizza night!!!!!!!

**briancell -1:** so,,,,,,,,,

**briancell -1:** what happened,,,,,,,,,,

**avocadoToast:** well my mom asked what he liked about me and keith said that he likes the way i make people feel????? then he said “and i like the way he makes me” but then he stopped talking??????? what does it mean?????????

**bigarms:** it means that he was about to say “the way he makes me feel” but chickened out because he was!! in front!! of your!! mother!!

**briancell -1:** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

**avocadoToast:** respectfully disagree

**bigarms:** do you really not see how into each other you two are????

**avocadoToast:** yEa right keith does not like me even in a Friend way

**briancell -1:** dOeS nOt EVen LieK mE iN a FRiEnD waY

**bigarms:** lance u fkn idiot just tell him how you feeeeeeeeeeeel

**avocadoToast:** but———!

**briancell -1:** it would be very gucci of you two to just get together already istg i cannot handle all this. like ew stop please just like

**bigarms:** date!

**avocadoToast:** but what if he doesn’t want to?

**briancell -1:** DO YOU HAVE EUES?????

**bigarms:** eues 

**avocadoToast:** euis

**briancell -1:** did you just misspell my misspelling??

**avocadoToast:** technicalities, technicalities 

**bigarms:** WHATEVER JUST ASK HIM OUT OR NO LOVE 4 U

**avocadoToast:** GASP

**braincell -1:** GASPIER GASP

**bigarms:** the Casper the ghost sequel!

**_the pala-sluTs_ **

_monday 11:25 am_

**Child:** lotor’s a bitch

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** maybe he’s just misunderstood!

**Child:** no he’s a bitch

**something sciencey:** probably has a lot of Trauma you kno

**chickfila employee:** i have trauma! 

**something sciencey:** and you’re a bitch! still fits!

**Child:** damm. bars

**father:** What did Lotor do?

**Child:** well,,,

**chickfila employee:** it’s going to be something really fucking stupid, isn’t it?

**Child:** he looked at me weird

**chickfila employee:** yup

**Child:** no, but, like, he looked me up and down and then wrinkled his nose like im some kind of fish with a beard 

**Hunkadoodle:** fish with a beard———

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** To be fair,

**Child:** don’t finish that llura or i will knife you

**LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1:** you kind of do look like a fish with a beard.

**Child:** that’s it

_LOVELY HUMAN BEING 1 changed to ghost by Child_

**ghost:** At least I’m a hot ghost

**chickfila employee:** i agree

**Child:** youre gay 

**chickfila employee:** and? i’m allowed to appreciate a woman’s body 

**something sciencey:** that’s the straightest thing keith’s ever said

**Hunkadoodle:** nah, remember when he said “it’s a hidden valley” 

**chickfila employee:** i still don’t understand that?????

**father:** I think they mean the between the boobs zone

**Child:** NDNSNKSLALA SHIRO

**Hunkadoodle:** he-

**something sciencey:** whi o whi

**chickfila employee:** oh

**chickfila employee:** ew

**_the pala-sluTs_ **

_monday 3:08 pm_

**ghost:** GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS

**ghost:** AND PIDGE AND PIDGE AND PIDGE AND PIDGE AND PIDGE

**Child:** WHAT

**ghost:** I THINK I JUST GOT ASKED TO PROM??????

**something sciencey:** BY WHO??????

**chickfila employee:** aye get that ass

**Child:** please don’t say lotor i will knife again 

**Child:** keith, I’m disturbed bi u

**ghost:** ROMELLE SHE ASKED ME AND I SAID YES BECAUSE WOW SHE IS AMAZING BUT LIKE SHE ASKED ME!!!!!!!

**chickfila employee:** disturbed by u too lance 

**chickfila employee:** oH THATS A NICE PIECE OF ASS

**Hunkadoodle:** OMFG ALLURA THATS AMAZING GO YOU

**chickfila employee:** not that I’ve looked I’m just assuming 

**something sciencey:** never ass-ume Keith

**something sciencey:** and fuck yes allura 

**Child:** YES NOT LOTOR IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU ALLURA 

**father:** Romelle is adorable! I feel like a dad again!

**Child:** BUT. SHE. IS. OUR. MOTHER. 

**father:** I’ve got the birth certificate.

**chickfila employee:** UhM WoT 

**something sciencey:** ^^^^^^^^^

**Child:** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

**Hunkadoodle:** ^^^^^^^^^^^^

**ghost:** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

**ghost:** prom is going to be great 

**ghost:** i’m so glad our resident nerd is super smart too! they just bumped their way into being a junior and our hearts!

**something sciencey:** that had the same energy as “uwu” and I’m a little afraid rn

**_shvillain_ **

_wednesday 8:43 pm_

**allura:** Can I teleport over to give you a hug?

**shvillain:** No.

**allura:** Sadface   
  


**the pala-sluTs**

_wednesday 8:56 pm_

**ghost:** Shiro won’t let me hug him

**Child:** boo-hoo!

**Child:** oh wait that’s your line

**Child:** fucking ghost 

**ghost:** Feeling attacked and I’m not here for it

**_the weebs_ **

_friday 4:33 pm_

**weeb uno:** Why are we called “the weebs”?

**weeb adam:** no clue babe just roll with it

**weeb princess:** [enters armadillo mode] *rolls*

**weeb pussy:** obviously so we can get keith and lance together!

**weeb adam:** bc that was totally obviously the reason this gc exists 

**weeb Weeb:** is that snark adam i will remove you

**weeb adam:** no...it wasn’t pidge don’t remove me...

**weeb uno:** It probably is snark. 

**weeb adam:** keith’s right you are a traitor 

**weeb pussy:** have you read our texts????

**weeb adam:** and i said, “no,” you know, like a liar

**weeb princess:** john mulaney supremacy!

**weeb Weeb:** the only cishet white guy i stan

**weeb uno:** Anygays, I’m not gonna go behind Lance and Keith’s backs, and neither are you guys.

_weeb Weeb removed weeb uno from the weebs_

**weeb adam:** this is dangerous he’s going to text me and be like “add me back you shit”

**weeb pussy:** your boyfriend calls you shit????

**weeb adam:** yes it’s very enduring 

**weeb adam:** but I will resist! and I will help!

**weeb Weeb:** great, let the meeting commence 

**_the pala-sluTs_ **

_saturday 9:34 am_

**Child:** it’s- 

**Child:** today’s prom yall !!!!!

**chickfila employee:** …...yay…..

**something sciencey:** does anyone else notice how keith only immediately responds if it’s lance that texts in the gc?????

**father:** Yeah.

**Hunkadoodle:** haha yup

**ghost:** Oh we decided to bring it up?

**chickfila employee:** eye- eye do not

**father:** Yeah, you do. 

**ghost:** dad burn!

**Child:** shudup 

**something sciencey:** no we will never 

**something sciencey:** anyways, do you two have dates to prom? 

**something sciencey:** shiro has adam, allura has romelle, hunk has shay (which thank god she said yes or else we’d be carrying around tissues wherever he went if she didn’t), i have me,, u two are seemingly dateless plan to do anything about that???? hmmmmmmmm

**Child:** this feels like a trap

**chickfila employee:** yeah

**Child:** bye!

_Child is inactive_

**ghost:** Keith!!!!!!!! Ask lance out!!!!!!!!

_chickfila employee is inactive_

**Hunkadoodle:** okay but what do you think about me and shay taking cute couple pictures at the lake?????

**ghost:** omg yes and i can have cute couple photos with romelle!!!!

**father:** Adam and I would like to join in.

**something sciencey:** calm down this isn’t an orgy 

**Hunkadoodle:** EXcusE Me 

**something sciencey:** unless you want it to be damn

_father is inactive_

**_mullet_ **

_saturday 11:03 am_

**lance:** you good??

**mullet:** yeah, why??

**lance:** you seem off??

**mullet:** just not that excited for prom 

**lance:** WHAT WHY

_mullet is inactive_

**_the weebs_ **

_saturday 11:38 am_

**weeb Weeb:** phase one is complete my friends

**weeb adam:** wait what happened shiro isn’t letting me look anymore 

**weeb princess:** *whispers under breath* shvillain

**weeb pussy:** ALLURA WHAG IS THAT

**weeb princess:** My name for shiro

**weeb Weeb:** god bless

**weeb adam:** so what happened???????

**weeb pussy:** you seem very invested in two juniors’ love lives adam 

**weeb adam:** bc i am now tell me

**weeb Weeb:** basically we called keith out on his bs and flustered them both

**weeb adam:** and how does that help?

**weeb Weeb:** it shows them that they’re both nervous around the topic

**weeb princess:** Nervous because they looOoOoOoOove each other 

**weeb Weeb:** again, uwu energy allura calm your tits

**weeb princess:** Oh sorry I’ll tell them to calm down. Hey yo tits calm down 

**weeb princess:** There

**_the pala-sluTs_ **

_saturday 3:37 pm_

**father:** Adam’s parents may have rented a limo. 

**Child:** may have or they did

**father:** They did.

**Child:** …..can we ride in it?

**Father:** Yes, Lance.

**Child:** FUCK YES FLIPPIN FUCK FLY ON THAT SHIT FUCK YES YOU AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME LOTOR

**Hunkadoodle:** omygooosh that’s amazing thank u adam’s parents we love u!! mwah mwah

**ghost:** What about lake pictures?

**father:** We’ll pick you guys up early so we can take group pictures. If that’s alright?

**chickfila employee:** fine w me

**something sciencey:** same!!! but matt wants to ride in the limo

**something sciencey:** I’ll kick him to the curb if you want me to

**Child:** literally or figuratively?

**something sciencey:** well I’ve always wanted to try both

**Child:** then bothhhhhhhh

**father:** No, he can come. Maybe this group will finally see an intellectual conversation.

**something sciencey:** i-

**Child:** he just-

**ghost:** He roasted all of us-

**father:** dad burn!!!!!

**chickfila employee:** oh fuck 

**Child:** is this a horror movie

**Child:** Dad Turns Into Evil Dad

**chickfila employee:** very creative, lance 

**Child:** oh shut up you and your commas mr english professor 

_father is inactive_

**chickfila employee:** well at least I can form sentences!

**Child:** “Uh. Yeah. Uh. Yeah.”

_chickfila employee is inactive_

**Hunkadoodle:** what did you do?

**Child:** uh

_Child is inactive_

**_Guardian Angel_ **

_saturday 6:21 pm_

**Guardian Angel:** Be there in twenty minutes, we’re picking up Allura first. Be ready, preferably.

**lance:** okay !?

Lance was pacing by the front door for the second time that week. Why did he have to say that to Keith? Lance knew that it would make him...hurt? Embarrassed? Which was why he said it. 

Why was he pushing Keith away? He really, really liked him, and that was the last thing he wanted. 

He pushed a hand through his hair, huffing. “Ask him to dance.” Lance whipped around, seeing his mother. 

“What?”

“Ask that boy to dance.” Lance smiled at her. His mother always knew when to say the right things, and maybe he’ll listen to her. 

“Thanks, mom.”

The doorbell rang, but this time Lance’s mother got it. “Hello, Keith. It’s nice to see you again.”

Lance peeked his head over her shoulder, and _wow._ He wore a deep red suit, his violet eyes shining. The slight pout in his lips almost went unnoticed, as Lance was focused on Keith’s hair. It was up in a low ponytail, and Lance felt a blush rise to his cheeks. 

“Okay, bye, mom.” Lance pushed pass, grabbing Keith by the shoulders. “I’ll send you the pictures from the lake! Gotta get this samuri in the limo, love ya.” Then they were out the door. 

Lance felt a body bump into his. It was Keith. 

The monsters he had as friends made it a point to get his attention, and when they had it, they started dancing around and pointing to their ears. _What?_ He mouthed. 

But then, then he heard it. 

Keith, still leaning against him, was looking up at Lance, and Lance was looking back. 

Lance flashed his best grin, the energy of the room boosting his confidence. “Do you wanna dance?”

With wide eyes, Keith looked startled at first, but he melted into it. “I thought you’d never ask,” he chirped, leaning back to take Lance’s hand. 

“Lover” by Taylor Swift was playing. 

**_the weebs_ **

_saturday 9:32 pm_

**weeb Weeb:** phase two complete!

**weeb Weeb:** we’ve done it soldiers 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> that ghost one has a double meaning, huh?
> 
> my favorite thing about this was putting all the little quirks in texting. most of those are ones I use. the “ooooo” or “—————“ or “funnhie” or “wot” and many other ones probably. the part where pidge is like “he has a point” and hunk goes “-er finger” is something my friend does and it drives me crazhie.
> 
> anyways, I made lance me. he and I are one in the same, so I had to make him love taylor swift 
> 
> (the something mean reference is from the middleditch & schwartz netflix special be my friend if you’ve seen it)
> 
> smiley face


End file.
